does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
