Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
