You're my little dorito
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
