I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
