tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
