I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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