I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
