my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hippo gnu deer
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
