T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
