He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
