I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
