So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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