Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
