I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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