We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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