Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
