dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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