I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
