He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
