i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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