I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
