if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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