i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
