I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
