I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
