Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
