I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
