I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
