Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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