so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
