Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
