Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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