you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
