I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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