all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
