update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
