I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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