I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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