Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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