Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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