Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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