Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
