So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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