I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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