quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Be still, my beating vagina.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
