im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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