the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
