Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
