i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
