he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
