Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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