Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
