I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
