I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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