tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
