I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
