Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
