First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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