I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
