You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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