I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
