Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
